36 Virgin

I’m confused about my sexuality… I’ve always fallen in love with men, I feel emotionally and romantically attracted to men, and always thought I was straight, although at 36 I’ve never actually been in a sexual relationship. I also find women sexually attractive (while never having been romantically attracted to them), and I’m not physically attracted to men (I’m not aroused by men’s physiques, but I do feel aroused by women’s bodies.) Have you heard of this before? I want to be in a relationship but which gender?!


Aren’t you the lucky one. So much choice at your fingertips! I’ve certainly heard of this one before and it’s a conundrum that many encounter on more than one occasion in their lives. I’m not sure there is a definitive answer. Our sexuality is far more fluid than we might like to think and it’s certainly not simply dependent on which physique turns us on. There’s a significant number of bi-sexual people out there, small enough in numbers to be considered a minority but large enough to indicate that a significant proportion of the population swing both ways. And why not? We live in fast moving times and sexual mores are far less inhibiting than they were even a generation ago. With only lifeline to work your way through it does seem somewhat narrow-minded to limit your options unless your romantic and sexual proclivities leave absolutely no room for manouevre. Discovering what compels and pleases you on the physical front is surely something to experiment with rather than worry about? I’d go so far as to say it’s admirably human to explore beyond the confines of any limited horizon.

The complexities of our species have been illuminated and explored in art and literature, music and poetry over millennia, so none of us should be surprised to find we have hidden depths. My own suspicion is that forced to honestly commit one way or another to the gender we desire, there are many more who would inhabit the borderline territory where your tastes lie. Finding one sex or the other more to your physical tastes is also not a finite choice. Plenty of people go through life utterly convinced that their sexuality runs one way, only to find a chance encounter, halfway through their lives leads them in another direction altogether. It’s true that the majority of us have overriding impulses that can be pretty clearly identified but even so there’s still nuances left to play with.

Neither is it a positive thing to separate the body you’re compelled by from the brain it’s attached to in the manner you outline, though it’s a mistake easily made if you’re high on mind-altering substances or it’s extremely late at night! The way human beings attract each other is an infinitely more complex and fascinating area than you give it credit for. Defining your tastes on the basis of one body type or another seriously narrows the field of playmates you can choose from. Men and women come in a myriad shapes, sizes and sensibilities. There will be plenty of times in your life when you surprise yourself in the way you find yourself leaning romantically and that’s all the better. How dreary to spend an entire lifetime attracted to brunette boys with washboard bellies and die never having known the fulsome embrace of a chubbier specimen. Sexual attraction isn’t just about limbs, physique and gender defining attributes; reduced to such prosaic elements the whole mating dance would eventually grind to a standstill quite literally. Instead much of what attracts us to another person lies beyond the realm of clear description which is why we listen to maudlin pop tunes or read heart-quickening verse. It’s something you would be more aware of were you to cease playing the observer and get tangibly involved in the business of copulation. I’m concerned that you’ve been so busy fretting about which way to turn that you’ve ducked any potentially appealing embrace that’s been offered. Sometimes you need to encounter what you don’t like in order to establish what you do.

Partners, like good cuisine, need to be sampled before being devoured or declined. So why not embark on a carnal adventure with a member of either sex, just to try out the possibilities. At 36 you really should make a move forward by acting on your impulses one way or another. Rewarding encounters aren’t lined up waiting for browsers to alight on them; they require active participation and in many cases a leap into the unknown. Sitting around theorising about who you may or may not be attracted to is no substitute for putting yourself in the right situation to find out.

Instead of fretting about which way your sexual pendulum is swinging get out there and swing with it why don’t you!